


I Just...

by Szcay



Series: WCWC and related works [2]
Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Angst, Dark, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, POV Second Person, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-20 21:41:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12442383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Szcay/pseuds/Szcay
Summary: Amos' thoughts after the events of White Collar War Crimes. Won't make sense if you haven't read that.Tonally different from the main fic, written in 2nd person, quite dark and somehow sappy? Not sure who I've written this for, probably myself. Don't read if you don't want (perhaps unwelcome) insight into Amos' mind, and feel free to disregard it if it doesn't fit with the way you'd like to interpret the main story.





	I Just...

Have you ever held a butterfly? Me neither; there were no butterflies where I grew up. But I remember hearing if you touch their wings they can’t fly no more.

I was only trying to do the right thing. I wanted to protect you. I thought I was. I tried to take you in my hands and not to touch your wings, but the outside pressure was too big. I didn’t want to have to beat you, so I thought: trinket, yeah, that’s a good idea. But you’d never done anything like that, not like me. So I needed to teach you how.

It was only meant to be once. I know you weren’t into it, and me… I hadn’t really expected to like it that much. I mean, I liked you, and I knew I wouldn’t mind it, but… I don’t know. You just looked so fragile – though I know you don’t like me thinking of you like that – and I liked that. I just wanted to keep you safe and you trusted me to do that. The more we did it, the more I couldn’t get enough. I thought I could get you to like it too. And then…

And then I messed up.

It was that kid, remember? That little Martian kid. They were gonna take him away and make his mom a slave. Like you. Like what I did to you.

You never really had a choice, you know that, right? Not just that night, I mean never. The UN took away your choices when they passed that law. Everything that happened since is on my head.

I just couldn’t handle seeing that kid. I left cause I wasn’t stable enough to be near you. Went and got fucked up enough to make me feel less like I was about to explode. Enough that I couldn’t see I was hurting you. I touched your wings then, and I broke you.

I should have let you go then, but I thought that maybe I could help you. Maybe I could put all the shit that happened to me to some use. I should’ve remembered that I didn’t end up that good.

Naomi told me I was doing my best. That this was the best course of action. If I’d told her everything she would have stopped me. I should have told her.

You were really brave, coming to me even though you were shaking apart. Wanting to continue, despite the way you could barely look at me. I _should have said no_. But I didn’t want anyone to know. I was weak. I was selfish.

I think that’s when I really broke you. If I had let you go you would have gotten better. And I made you part of it. We dulled your instincts and burned away your self-preservation until…

I remember once, shooting the shit with some guys I worked with, a long time before the _Cant_. They started talking about sex, ridiculous stories about their first times. I made something up. I don’t remember the first time. Maybe I never had one. I remember choosing to have sex for the first time. I remember getting to keep the money for myself the first time. I remember actually _wanting_ to sleep with someone for the first time.

My point is, I thought I knew something of what you’re going through. I thought I could help, but I just made you _like_ getting hurt. I made you quiet and uncertain. I made you look to me instead of to yourself. I pulled your wings off. The only time I think I see a shade of the old you is when you’re up in your chair on the _Roci_. Then you turn around and I wish I didn’t like the way you look at me so much.

Maybe this is love. I have no way of knowing. I think it’s probably the closest thing I’m capable of.

If they took the collar off tomorrow, I think you would still stay with me. I think you would still want me to hold you down, to tell you what to do, to own you. I want to keep you. I’m broken too, and selfish. I’ve never had anyone like you. You’re so beautiful, Alex. You’re so good. I don’t deserve you, but I don’t think I can leave you anymore. I think you need me now. I’ve taken everything else away.

**Author's Note:**

> As I said, I think I wrote this mostly for my own sake. I kinda needed to put a bit of Amos' thoughts down in writing. I wasn't so sure I should post it, but I figured maybe someone will enjoy it? And someone is all it takes.
> 
> This is just one way of looking at Amos' motivations, not necessarily the right way (I'm a big believer in having one's own head-canon). I'm also quite fond of thinking that he's just manipulating Alex and moulding him into the perfect pet, which I think that is just as valid an interpretation. Maybe you have a different one?


End file.
